the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
