I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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