I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
