It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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