the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
