You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
