My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
