guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
