So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
All I want is dick and wine.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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