Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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