I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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