According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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