So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
