yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
