People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I deserve to be covered in dicks
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
