My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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