Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
only you would photoshop your dick
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
