I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
