she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
