once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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