i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
