yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
