cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
