onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I will be naked everywhere
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
