Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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