how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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