While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
They took my balls.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
