I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
