my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
