If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
