shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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