No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
