he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize