I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
