His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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