You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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