drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize