I cannot find my penis.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
