This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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