At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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