Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
