there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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