i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
