You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize