i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
