would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
