hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
