what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
