Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he thought i was a dude.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
