I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
