from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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