Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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