I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm getting married
To pizza
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
