best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
