yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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