i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
