I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize