do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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