I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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