the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
