I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
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