walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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