Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
