I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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